A former redhead's dirty diary

Fashion and freedom

2012-01-13T19:51:00.001+01:00

http://finest.se/MagdalenaDivina

I found this fashionable blog today as I was browsing the net.

I wish I had more time for blogging these days...

I really like this deep green freedom bracelet!

Humanity - WORD BRACELET

My sister bought a purple one after Christmas.

They kind of go with most clothes and styles.

Vampires

2011-09-07T17:43:00.001+02:00

Some negative people are skilled at making you feel responsible for their happiness. They try to make you feel guilty about things you are not responsible for. They are always the victim of a cruel world and cruel people and nothing is ever their fault. They come to you for your opinion, or for your help, but mostly to get you to feel sorry for them and listen while they vent. They admire you, or maybe they are just needy and looking for attention from anyone. These are the people who drain your energy. Perhaps there was a time when you enjoyed their company, but as time goes on, you notice that no matter how supportive you are or how much compassion you have offered them, they still try to make you feel guilty for being happier or more successful than they are.

He who never makes mistakes, never makes anything

2011-09-07T17:35:00.000+02:00

Back inthe late 1800's, while Thomas Edison was entertaining a guest, he shared thatit had taken 10,000 different experiments before he perfected the invention ofthe light bulb. The guest responded with something like, "It's amazingthat you had to endure 9,999 failures until you got it right." Edisonsnapped back, "Those weren't failures. I just discovered 9,999 ways thatlight bulbs don't work."

Trialand error are usually the prime means of solving life’s problems. Yet manypeople are afraid to undertake the trial because they’re too afraid ofexperiencing the error. Many great inventions were spawned from accidents,seeming failures. Temporary setbacks and errors provide the feedback thatpoints the way to success.

Somepeople will take setbacks to heart instead of to mind. Such people let adisappointment seep into their sense of self like a poison, but the truth isthat the best way to build self-esteem is to take action after falling down.Perhaps in every realm of life, we should not merely accept failure, butactively go out of our way to fail. No errors means no successes and the onlytrue failure is to not try at all.

In love!

2011-09-02T18:24:00.002+02:00

I have fallen madly in love with Heidi Parviainen, vocalist in the Finnish metal band Amberian Dawn.

Why am I hetero?

Listening to Swedish/Danish Amaranthe right now...

2011-09-01T19:25:00.000+02:00

Hunger - Save me
One world depending on me
I have the force in me
The truth will be revealed
Higher - Faster
I am the fuel to set you free
I am your destiny

Concert!

2011-08-28T20:19:00.002+02:00

Last night I went to the local town festival to listen to Thomas DiLeva live. It was a great experience! I can't stand crowds, drunk people and idiots smoking allover the place but even so, I still had a fantastic evening. Some "me time".

Promoting a friend

2011-05-16T18:23:00.002+02:00

I've known John for a few years and when he told me he'd started his own voiceover company I thought FINALLY! He is so good at this! He can do ANY type of voice recording for any company in any style... An amazingly professional actor and voice artist. Check out his website for samples.

May I present to you, POWER VOICEOVERS!

Samuraj Sushi

2011-05-16T18:17:00.001+02:00

Thank God for takeaways! They know me so well at Samuraj now that I never even have to say what I want to buy any longer - They already know. How convenient! Nice chaps.

Mobbing

2011-05-01T13:09:00.007+02:00

These are a few of the people who bullied me at school. Most of them now have kids of their own. I wonder if they have told their children that they were once bullies?

Wonderful Women

2011-04-22T08:26:00.003+02:00

Yesterday I got two presents at work. Ketsi, one of my customers, came by with a lovely book of quotations for me. She is a remarkable woman from Finland. What I like about her is the perfect mix of being sensible and enjoying the simple things in life and yet not excluding some luxury every now and then. Then Wally popped in with some orange roses for me. She grew up during the second world war in Germany. She and her mum had to look for food in garbage cans. She came to Sweden as a young woman to work and stayed here. She has had a very interesting and eventful life and she is a very strong person who takes no shit from nobody. I admire these two ladies.

My present to myself!

2011-03-26T09:01:00.003+01:00

I thought I deserved a gift. I have wanted this for a long time.

One of my top 2 fragrance favourites! :-)

End of an era...

2011-02-26T10:50:00.003+01:00

My favourite place on the net is closing down. Planet Zeppelin says goodbye. It's been a part of my life for many years, so it feels strange that it won't be there any longer. I made friends there, I made enemies there and I laughed as well as cried there...

Thanks for all, Jim and Lori!

Blood

2011-01-19T23:11:00.002+01:00

Jehovah's Witnesses believe that the Bible prohibits ingesting blood and that Christians should therefore not accept blood transfusions. I guess Dracula wouldn't have had a place within the Watchtower Society even if he begged on his bare fangs...

Suicide bomber strikes in Swedish capital Stockholm

2010-12-12T12:03:00.001+01:00

Two nearly simultaneous explosions rocked central Stockholm on Saturday evening, killing one person and injuring two others in what is believed to be a suicide attack. This is the first time Sweden has been targeted by a suicide bomber. The fatal blast occurred just minutes after a car exploded on another nearby street sending two people to hospital. The suicide bomber failed - He was the only one that died, but the results could have been truly catastrophic.

Approximately ten minutes before the explosions occurred, Swedish news agency TT received an email containing audio files, also addressed to Säpo. The sender cites Sweden’s silence surrounding the cartoons by Swedish Lars Vilks which portrayed the prophet Mohammed as a dog, the Swedish troops in Afghanistan, saying in audio files attached to the email that “now your children, daughters and sisters will die like our brothers’ and sisters’ children die”. “Our actions will speak for themselves. As long as you don’t stop your war against Islam and degrading the prophet and your stupid support of that pig Vilks,” the man said.

The man also urges all Muslims in Sweden to “stop sucking up to and degrading”. He concludes the message with yet another call to “all the mujahedeen in Europe and Sweden”. “Now it’s time to act, don’t wait any longer. Fear no one, don’t fear prison, don’t fear death.”

Swedish artist Lars Vilks has been the target of numerous threats after he portrayed Muhammad, the Muslim prophet, as a dog. American Colleen R. LaRose, also known as ‘Jihad Jane,’ was charged last year with trying to recruit terrorists to murder him. Sweden’s military presence in Afghanistan, as part of the Nato-lined ISAF force, has also been put forward as possibly raising the threat to Sweden. The apparent realisation of the threat against Sweden was a worry, a top Swedish terror expert said on Saturday:

Much of the Swedish anti-terror effort has in recent years been focused on Swedes of Somali descent working for Somalian terror organization al-Shabaab. According to Säpo, the al-Qaeda linked group has recruited more than 20 young people from Sweden to fight in the war-torn African country.

Thank you Allah for only letting this one clumsy cunt die in the explosion.

Yay For Jay!

2010-12-11T00:20:00.003+01:00

I want to congratulate Jay Smith for winning Swedish Idol 2010 - Well done!

Jay sings Metallica

Jay takes on Madonna

Cold!

2010-09-07T22:18:00.001+02:00

Ick! I caught a horrible cold from my kids. I really don't have time to be ill. I have taken today and tomorrow off from work to get better.

Decorating

2010-07-16T21:07:00.003+02:00

I have had two weeks off from work to get a little rest and sun, but I have spent a couple of days decorating my youngest son's room. I have painted the walls and some furniture etc. Looks pretty neat now! I have a bit of a tan too since we have had super sunny weather every day and I have been out a lot.

Since I posted last time, I have celebrated my best friend's 60:th Birthday and won a huge bottle of Dolce&Gabbana EDT L'Imperatrice in a beauty magazine giveaway! A charismatic, boundary-shattering blend with a top of rhubarb, kiwi and red currant; a heart of pink cyclamen, watermelon, and jasmine and a base of musk, sandalwood, and grapefruit wood.Love it! Very light, soft and fresh for the summer.

Aspie

2010-06-01T08:56:00.007+02:00

My youngest son just got diagnosed "Asperger's Syndrome". It is probably only a matter of time until my other boy gets the same diagnose.

Asperger's Syndrome is commonly referred to as a form of high-functioning autism. Individuals with Asperger's are considered to have a high intellectual capacity while suffering from a lower social capacity. Often high IQ but shit at socialising. The person usually has a strong desire to seek knowledge, truth and perfection with a different set of priorities than would be expected with other people. Since Aspies often have special interests or gifts, they often become specialists in areas that interests them. Often areas that require little social interaction, like science, composing music or mathematics. He or she values being creative rather than co-operative. Never good at teamwork. The person with Aspergers syndrome may perceive errors that are not apparent to others, giving considerable attention to detail, rather than noticing the big picture. They often collect things or facts. Anorak.

There is also a different perception of situations and sensory experiences. The overriding priority may be to solve a problem rather than satisfy the social or emotional needs of others. The person has no or low ability to identify social cues and conventions and lack tact, social and emotional reciprocity and sometimes empathy. The person is usually renowned for being direct, speaking their mind and being honest and determined and having a strong sense of social justice. The person may actively seek and enjoy solitude, be a very loyal friend and partner and have a distinct sense of humour. However, the person with Asperger's Syndrome can have difficulty with the management and expression of emotions as well as being able to “read” other people’s emotions and understand unspoken underlying messages. They can learn though; How one is supposed to behave and act in certain situations, what is OK or not and what might upset others. They can learn irony and sarcasm and reading between the lines.

They say Asperger's is hereditary. I suspect it comes both from me and Mike.

My social life has been sprinkled with just a couple of good friends who could accommodate for my lack of social graces and be my friend on my terms. As a child, I couldn’t read the unspoken codes of social interacting. I never knew how to behave in social situations with others, I said the wrong things, laughed when you were supposed not to, blurted out things that were inappropriate and had no manners. There were parents who didn’t like their children to play with me because I wasn’t house trained. I wasn’t mean or bad – Just totally lacked social skills and a feeling for what was appropriate for a little girl - Or tomboy in my case. I was intellectually beyond my peers and no one understood me or my humour. People seldom like those who are smarter than themselves anyway.

People don’t seem to understand me now either although I am really very uncomplicated. It’s the rest of you that are complicated, being two faced, disloyal, backstabbing, fickle, deceiving and false. I am me. I expect loyalty when I give loyalty. I expect friendliness when I give out friendliness and when you ask for my opinion I give it to you honestly whether you like it or not, because you asked. I appreciate when people are honest and say directly what they think or want. I do, and it seems to give people the impression that I am rude. I'd rather observe than take part. I observe people and am constantly bewildered.

I am hypersensitive to specific auditory and tactile experiences. There are certain sounds that I simply can’t stand… Someone eating banana. Gum chewing with an open mouth. It makes me want to get up and punch the gum chewer in the face and staple their lips together. I can’t stand uncomfortable clothes so I avoid every reason to get dressed up although I have done it on occasion for weddings, funerals or to please someone when going out. I can’t count the times when I have dolled myself up just to tear all the fancy things off again because I can’t stand the constricted feeling on my body. Labels. Hems in the wrong place. Socks that are too tight in the front - Hate it! UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!

I like things to be thoroughly planned because I am not naturally well organised. I am messy and very forgetful about everyday things but have an eye for detail. If too much goes on around me or too much is expected of me I shut down. I sometimes think this world is not for me. It’s been said to me that I am rude, ungrateful, cold and whatnot. In fact I am a very loving and caring person. I have learnt to playact and be what is expected of me in a workplace, by a boyfriend or in a formal meeting. But that is not the real me. No one would like the real me much and that is why I like solitude. I don’t want to put on fancy outfits for someone, pretend to be this or that or wear a uniform, obey orders or do what others tell me to do. I like comfy ugly clothes and not bothering to brush my hair.

I find little faults in everything that annoys me tremendously. I find faults in nearly every book I read. Spelling, bad research or clumsy faults that should not be there. If I buy a book it should be fucking perfect. If I'd write a book it would certainly be perfect. If I do any kind of assignment I always do the best I can. I always feel the urge to correct people if they are wrong about facts but I try to stop myself because it wouldn't be welcome. I want a little house in the countryside with no neighbours nearby. Perhaps some chicken and a friend popping by sometimes. One of the few that can stand me… And a ton of good books! Looking forward to retirement. :-)

I have never been diagnosed with anything and Asperger's wasn't discovered when I was a kid but I can't but wonder... I meet a lot of the Asperger criteria although not all of them, but neither does my son.

Famous people who are or might have been Aspie's:

Albert Einstein
Ludvig Van Beethoven
Bill Gates
Isaac Newton
Jane Austen
Mark Twain
Andy Warhol
Nikola Tesla
Michael Palin
Carl Jung
Alexander Graham Bell
Woody Allen
Gary Numan

AVATAR

2010-05-01T12:22:00.001+02:00

I watched this film with my kids last night. Loved it! But then again I also loved the Transformer movie... Shows you what a big child I really am.

Not just another zombie book

2010-05-01T11:12:00.005+02:00

“Handling the Undead” by John Ajvide Lindqvist.

Something very peculiar is happening in Stockholm. There's a heatwave on, a heavy electrical field lies over the city and people cannot turn their lights out or switch their household appliances off. Then the terrible news breaks. In the city morgue, the dead are waking up. What do they want? What everybody wants: to come home. Neither the government or the families of "the reliving" knows how to handle the situation. They are only a shell of their former selves but at the same time there is still a faint glimmer of the person they were. This is a book about loss, hope, disappointment and a love that defies death. Not a zombie horror story.
Review of the English version

I read the book in Swedish. Started last night and finished it this morning. It was difficult to put it aside and I am glad I hadn't just eaten because it is a very "graphic" book. Not a fantastic book by any means but it was good. Moving. Sad. Thought provoking. I don't know how the language survives the translation though. I wasn't so keen on the ending. The story started off really well but sort of slided downhill as it went on - Still I enjoyed the book very much. It creates thoughts. If people would relive; Would they have rights? Would we have a place for them in our society? Would we want our loved ones back in that form or would we have to exterminate them?

Pride

2010-04-12T08:59:00.006+02:00

What exactly is pride? And what is the opposite of pride? I guess it depends on whether you are proud of yourself or proud of someone else. The general opinion suggests that self pride is a bad thing, being proud of your own kids may be both good and bad depending on what the reasons for this pride could be. Most of us agree that it is unselfish and goodhearted to be proud of someone not related, like a friend, a cricket team or one's work mates. To some, pride is a Classic Ford. Pride and humiliation are supposed to be opposites but in some cases people enjoy the humiliation of others taking what they themselves see as their most prized possession and depriving them of it. On a sexual level that is. Or emotional. Personally it would drive me insane having that done to me. Or it would drive me to kill. Humiliation makes me see red as the psychopath I am. To me, humiliation and deceit are the opposites of the treasuring love you feel about someone you are truly proud of. Speaking as a psycho of course...

What am I proud of? I am fairly intelligent. Creative. Would probably be a fantastic crime investigator if given the opportunity :-) and I have two well behaved kids who have never been in conflict with the law. But the best pride there is, is to be proud of being who you are without caring what others may think. Few of us feel that sort of pride. Most of us are only familiar with the pride of ownership that the Ford motor company provides.

PRIDE defined by Wiki:

It's been one year already...

2010-04-05T11:15:00.003+02:00

Yesterday at 15:50, it was exactly one year since my sons lost their father. Yet it feels so recent... As if it was a few months back. As the time of death approached I relived the horrible thing once again. How I held him, stroke his face and watched him die. The look on the children's faces. The shock... Not a nice feeling and certainly not easy to revisit in my mind. We went to his grave to light some candles and put some fresh flowers down. It was lovely warm spring weather, bare ground, but today came a new thick sickening layer of snow again. Swedish snow... It's like cancer. Once you think you're rid of it it comes back grinning at you with its ugly face.

Sweden's Messiah in hot air

2010-04-05T09:53:00.011+02:00

Swedish peace & cosmic love music icon Thomas DiLeva has been fire bombed by media for some time now, due to a previous accusation of domestic abuse. DiLeva has preached love and cosmic light for decades now and the mere thought of him as physically abusive seems unthinkable. Yet, I don't know him and neither do the sensationalist newspapers OR the know-it-alls on the blogs who either claim that DiLeva is a wife beating jealous control freak or that his ex girlfriend is a manipulative lying bitch. He might be a total cunt or he might not. The facts are: They argued, it got nasty, she called the police and told them he had beaten her. Later she said she made it all up because she was angry. Police found no evidence of crime. DiLeva claims he is innocent. I don't know these people. You probably don't either. Media certainly don't and least of all do all myriads of bloggers who spend all their time throwing shit at either Thomas DiLeva or his ex Girlfriend Zinat Pirzadeh. Leave them the fuck alone! We've all had arguments that turned nasty. It's only human.

Even a peaceful loving person can lose their temper and beautiful people can be less beautiful on the inside but to maintain a vicious rumour just for the joy of seeing someone fall from grace and for pure pleasure from someone else's misfortune is damn right evil. Maybe their relationship didn't end nicely but it started with love. Like most relationships that have ended. Perhaps they would rather remember the good times instead of what went wrong in the end. They too need to heal and move on.

*Domestic violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate or harm the other.It can be exhibited in many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation or threats of violence.

Everyone charged with a criminal offence shall be presumed innocent until proved guilty according to law. But even if the charges are dropped because one party lied, you are still considered guilty in people's eyes if you happen to be a celebrity. A little curiosity is that in the 1988 Brazilian constitution, article 5, section LVII states that "no one shall be considered guilty before the issuing of a final and unappealable penal sentence". Now, what exactly is a PENAL sentence? Is it a sentence written with your dick?

There is good and bad in everything and in all of us. Hopefully there is more of the good...

Antilope

2010-03-04T07:52:00.003+01:00

I found a vintage bottle of Weil's Antilope the other day. At first it comes across as a fresh chypre with some sweeter notes but a few seconds later it is a fresh, powdery floral. Not sure if I like it or not. I'll wear it today to decide. it is the base notes that appeal to me the most - I am not into flowery things a lot.

Antilope was introduced in 1946 as a floral aldehyde combination, with neroli, bergamot and aldehydes in a top. A heart encompasses clary sage, rose, lily of the valley, jasmine, carnation, iris and violet, while base notes include a woody-amber base: sandalwood, vetiver, patchouli, tonka, amber, oak moss and musk.

And you stink camel shit Carol Diggle. I haven't forgotten you...

White

2010-02-15T07:51:00.005+01:00

I know I should have wished you a happy V.D yesterday but I haven't had the time... It has been snowing tons again this night so I wonder if there will be any buses running when I need to go to work. Last time the skies opened like this I had to walk to work in the morning. Or rather climb. I blame all this on that fucking Valentine - Saint of love, leprosy and snow. The Canadians obviously have a snow shortage at the moment with the winter Olympics going on so why does it all end up HERE? Let it drown all the sports lovers instead I say.

If I didn't have a heart, it wouldn't cost me so much to see.

I have read 3 books in the past two days and I find it progressively harder to read books these days without finding faults in them. I keep finding spelling mistakes, "facts" that are wrong and silly things like eye colour / hair colour combinations that don't exist in real life. Like "eyes so dark blue that they could be mistaken for black" or a person with bluish black hair and amber yellow eyes. It just never happens in nature. I am petty and mean. I should just enjoy my read...

In Love With A Scent

2010-01-20T23:10:00.004+01:00

I received my bottle of FEMME today. I had ordered 100ml eau de toilette but they sent me eau de parfum which is far more expensive than what I paid for and that was a nice surprise! Edp is more concentrated than edt so it will have superior staying power. And I ADORE it! I first met Femme in 1985. I had forgotten its magic. This whole evening I have been constantly sniffing my wrist where I had sprayed some of it. This is love. I had sworn to never fall in love again but I am smitten with this curvy bottle of magic.

A Picture Perfect Death

2010-01-20T08:42:00.001+01:00

I think my digital camera is dying. I tried to use it yesterday because I wanted to send some pics of the boys to their grandfather but it just kept switching off even though the batteries were new. I ended up using the mobile camera but that's not much use since I need good picture quality if I want proper developed photos and not print-outs. I will have another try today maybe. I know in the past it has refused to work in cold temperature so it might just be moody. A menopausal camera...

Femme

2010-01-11T08:36:00.003+01:00

I just ordered a large bottle of Femme (Rochas) eau de toilette. Femme’s fragrance notes include peach, plum, sandalwood, rosewood, lemon, cumin, rose, jasmine, oakmoss, patchouli, musk, amber, civet, and leather.

When I was working in a perfumerie in my late teens and early twenties, we used to sell Femme. I loved it already then but I used to find it a little TOO womanly at that age. The plum and peach notes doesn't make the scent fruity, because we're not talking fresh fruit here. It's over-ripe and ready to be thrown away in another day or two if no one eats it. Opulent dark fruity notes mixed with the scent of a womans skin, animalistic civet and amber, wood and leather. The flowers lighten it up to smell classy instead of like a whore house. Femme is lush amounts of womanly opulence that dries down to a a dreamy, leathery, sandalwood warmth. If there was anything like sex in a bottle, this is it.

Star at the manor

2010-01-03T09:32:00.007+01:00

Yesterday evening I happened to end up in front of the TV. It rarely happens these days but I was tired after two days of painting my oldest son's room. The program was called "The stars at the manor" and features five, in various ways, celebrated artists of film, literature, music or other creative works who live together for five days in a country mansion. Each episode focuses around one of the participants in particular, who gets to plan an activity filled day for the rest of the group while letting them and the viewers get a glimpse into his or her background and personality. I never usually watch celebrity shows or what the general public labels "entertainment" but there I was, watching this program nevertheless. I'm glad I did. I think I might have found yet another author's works to explore. Last night the Swedish author Björn Ranelid was the theme figure and what he had to say brought me to tears.

Not only had he suffered tremendously from a disfiguration of his lips as a young boy, but several surgeries later, and as an adult, representatives of Swedish media continues to mock this man for the way he looks. He has written numerous books and articles and yet those who seem to feel literarly inferior of him choose to review his lips - not his writing skills. Pathetic! But this is human nature. I was mobbed as a child. To a degree where I had to be driven home from school on a daily basis by my English teacher Tom (rest in peace you sweet, sweet man) to avoid being beaten up. I was convinced at the time that kids were evil and that in the adult world no such thing as mobbing existed. How wrong I was. You see, they will always exist like forever drooling dogs snapping at the postman's trousers. Humanity at its best is no better than a flock of seagulls pecking another bird's eyes out. Evolution? Time-transcending stupidity? Have your pick.

Sometimes you see a star in the sky that shines brighter than the others. That is because it is dying. Perhaps those of us that are former victims of other people's cruelty, feel that we need to show the world that we deserved better. Show our own genius in all its glory for the world to see before we die. Some dare - Some don't. Perhaps that is why some of the world's greatest people have a dark past and a troubled soul. Once your life is over - would you like to end your stardom as a red giant or as a brown dwarf? I will always admire people who against all odds survive and make other people's lives joyful through their music, art, writing or inventions. To choose to give even though everything has been taken from you. You are one of those who bring light into the world Björn. You are a true star. Thank you for the eye opener last night. I will read your works with a deep interest even if it is not my usual genre, because people who have gone through what you and I have, would never put out anything of poor quality for the simple reason of self pride. Therefore your books should be outstanding.

Leftier than thou

2009-12-26T23:11:00.004+01:00

Swedes are very liberal, yet they vote for the social democrats... Because they are so conservative. Although the majority voted right wing last time, which has resulted in lowered tax for the rich and lower income for the poor - who would have guessed it? My guess is that the socialists will win the next election. Personally, I will vote lefter than ever before. Not because I am a communist, but because I hate the rich cunt right wingers. I think the rest of the world have a view of Sweden as generally being very "left". The old one-dimensional categories of right and left, established for the seating arrangement of the French National Assembly of 1789, are overly simplistic for today's political landscape though.

Who are the "conservatives" in today's Russia? Are they the unreconstructed Stalinists, or the reformers who have adopted the right wing views of conservatives like Margaret Thatcher? On the standard left-right scale, how do you distinguish leftists like Stalin and Gandhi? It's not sufficient to say that Stalin was simply more left than Gandhi. There are fundamental political differences between them that the old categories on their own can't explain. Similarly, we generally describe social reactionaries as right-wingers, yet that leaves left wing reactionaries like Robert Mugabe and Pol Pot off the hook...

Temple Of Love

2009-11-04T08:56:00.002+01:00

And a good morning to you. I have the ordinary album already but not this version featuring Ofra Haza which is the better version in my opinion. Hoping to find it on CD.

A Norwegian surprise! No - Not another burning church.

2009-10-12T20:46:00.004+02:00

The Norwegian Nobel Committee will give the Nobel Peace Price to Barack Obama this year. The nominations had to be handed in at latest in mid February, which means that Obama had been President for roughly two weeks when the nomination was made. He might be planning to do some future peace work and he talks a lot of world peace but at the moment he is involved in two wars. No peace to be seen so far… Does this mean that a leading scientist may receive the Nobel Price in medicine if he/she convincingly claims to want to find a cure for cancer some time in the future?

Mother Theresa is one out of several Peace Price winners who was very popular among the general public but never really did anything for peace. Adolf Hitler was nominated in 1939 by Swedish member of government Erik Brandt – An anti-nazi who wanted to draw attention to what was going on in Germany at the time. He withdrew the nomination after it had created a lot of debate, as that was his desired effect. Stalin was nominated both in 1945 and 1948 for helping to end WW2.

Yasser Arafat received the Peace Price in 1994, together with Shimon Peres and Yitzhak Rabin. Even so, the situation in the Middle East is worse than ever before. Al-Fatah fights Hamas and Hizbollah, but united they stand against Israel who have armed themselves with Jaffa oranges while building sand castles on the Gaza strip. The naughty boys need a good spanking, not a peace price.

I do object to any prices or awards given to a person for possible future works. You get the pay after the work is done. Simple! I do hope Mr Obama will prove himself worthy of the price though. Get the fuck out of Iraq and Afghanistan! I know I'm a hypocrite, but I plan to write a really good book. Give me my literature price now! Or at least a freebie dinner at the King’s table on the 10:th of December. That’s my parents’ wedding anniversary by the way. :-)

Nosejob

2009-10-07T22:48:00.007+02:00

I tried this "new" Chloe scent today and it was surprisingly lovely. The old Chloe used to make me nauseous because it was so sweet, but this one smells clean and feminine. Simply wonderful!

Marc Jacobs' latest fragrance Lola was a huge disappointment. At the first whiff I thought it was so-so, but after a few minutes it became unbearable. Tacky and vomit inducing!

The earlier Marc Jacobs scent Daisy made me fall in love with it when I first smelled it a year ago or so. A sunny, breezy meadow of random flowers. But it is a scent for a young blonde. I get images in my head from different smells and this is not for me sadly.
I am very curious of this old dinosaur - Carven Ma Griffe. I have a feeling I might like it but it is not sold in Scandinavia for some reason.

Shock!

2009-10-05T08:08:00.002+02:00

Ten minutes or so ago, I was watching the morning news as I drank a cup of tea when the TV screen suddenly showed a picture of Giorgos Papandreou - The leader of Greece's PASOK party that won a landslide election victory recently in Greece. My first thought was "Oh no!!! Is John Cleese dead???" Because that is who I thought it was. They do look very alike... However, I am glad to report that John Cleese is still alive, making commercials for the Swedish home electricity shop chain Elgiganten.

Example 1
Example 2

Unchained Melody or Empty Rooms?

2009-10-04T09:50:00.005+02:00

Yesterday was a happy day for my sons. I got them a bike each. They were out cycling most of the day and I assume that today will be a bikeful day as well. Great! That means I get more time to myself. And tomorrow? "Through the darkness, we still speed - My white bicycle and me". I might even take my own old bike to the bicycle repair shop and get it fixed up for use. Haven't used it since before I had the kids. Hi Ho Silver!!! I'll think about the lining later.

I'm still pretty much off music. I have hardly played a record since Mike died. I do listen to mp3's though but the record player is gathering dust. Or record players. I think there are five of them now. My apartment was crowded before, but now, with all Mike's belongings here, it is so cramped that I feel the need to cover every wall with cupboards to make it look at least a little bit tidy. I think the untidiness is one of the few things that bother me these days. I feel more at peace with things than I have ever done before but I want empty, clean, tidy spaces around me.

Yawn!

2009-09-27T22:36:00.004+02:00

I'll be off to bed in a minute. It's been a nice weekend. I have read a lot. Got Mike's headstone on the Friday and it looks very nice. It is black polished granite and has the silhouette of a guitar above his name. Note the rainbow on the front surface and the purple ectoplasm spiral on the bottom right corner of the photo. It matches the heather and lavender plants really well.

Tomorrow I'll go to the gym and sit for a while in the sauna afterwards as usual. It is one of the things I enjoy most in the mornings. The hot sauna. It is like meditation in a way. It's so hot that it shocks the system into total stillness.

Thursday there will be another course in Stockholm, which I am looking forward to a lot. YAY! This means that I will have a reason to pop into the English shop before going home, and stock up on Cumberland sausages, tea and other goodies.

Something that pisses me off is that the latest batch of Midsomer Murders are shown on channel 3 at the moment. I haven't got channel 3. Fuck Swedish TV! Documentaries about Russian alcoholics, political debates and non existent murder mysteries. Well at least our non existent English murder mysteries are not dubbed to Swedish.

Weekend at last!!!

2009-09-19T08:36:00.005+02:00

I will be off to the local charity shop in a bit because they will be selling everything with a 50% discount today. I also have a visit planned. A friend of mine has recently moved to a new apartment and I will be visiting her today or tomorrow. I bought her some things for her new home that I will bring along as well. A red chilli plant, a large scented candle, some pretty glasses and table mats. She has been homeless since she broke up with her girlfriend a couple of months ago so I am so happy for her now.

Yesterday at the optician's went well but he didn't want me to have progressive glasses yet so it will be one pair of ordinary ones and a pair of reading glasses. I found some awesome looking frames!!! Can't wait to get them.

I need some new perfume. I have run out of my Miss Dior and must get another bottle ASAP. I can't live without it. It has become my signature scent for daytime wear. I like spicier fragrances for eveningwear though. The Kanebo/Sensai cosmetics course earlier in the week was a lot of fun. It was held at their office in the Globe area of southern Stockholm. I feel so much more glamorous after that ha ha!!!! Not really, but it was interesting nevertheless.

Busy Week...

2009-09-14T07:53:00.004+02:00

This week I've got a 3 day course scheduled. I'll be spending Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in our beautiful capital, becoming an even more professional being. Slightly exaggerated. Friday morning I have an appointment at the optician's. He will probably ask me where I parked my batmobile. I have such trouble reading these days. Today I will put together a parcel for my student friend who moved to Kalmar - a town in the south of Sweden.

I just changed the colour scheme of my blog and now, I will go into the bathroom and dye my hair red again. I need to be colourful!

Morning Tea

2009-09-01T07:03:00.003+02:00

I am drinking my morning tea as I type. I will have a friend visiting me for two days in a row and really looking forward to that. At the moment I am trying to get my youngest boy to get up and have some breakfast. I had the cutest dream about him this morning just before waking up. He was about 4 years old and playing with his dad. It is nice to wake up with a smile. :-)

Shakti mat update

2009-08-25T07:51:00.006+02:00

Here are some pics from the Guinness world record attempt at Gärdet. Almost 3000 people chanting a peace mantra on Shakti mats in the shape of a giant sun, fantastic weather and a free spike mat. I have wanted one of those for a long time. The slight pain makes the body create endorphines that help battling greater pain like back ache etc, and it also makes you feel more energetic and awake after only a couple of minutes on the mat. "Shakti" means the Goddess of infinite compassion and love.

The bed of nails is an ancient tool with its roots in Indian mysticism. With its origin, dating back thousands of years, the bed of nails is a well tested tool for healing the body and releasing emotional, physical and mental blockages. It has been use by Indian yogis (yoga practitioners) throughout time to attain perfection of body and mind. The bed of nails was, on the contrary to popular belief, not a “macho toy” for the Indian fakir to prove resistance to pain, but a tool to balance body and mind.

Several days worth of diary entries

2009-08-24T22:49:00.003+02:00

Thursday evening last week I went down to the town centre to listen to some music. We have this free music festival here every year called Pretzeltown Festival. Last out that evening was Promoe. He has a long beard in dreads and his hair has once been dreadlocks I think, but is now some sort of caked quilt looking thing. Pity. You can tell he'd be really good looking if he cleaned himself up.
I also met a rather strange man called Janne who was somewhere between fifty and sixty years old, smoking cigars and claiming to only listen to hardcore crust punk and death metal.

Saturday was my mum's Birthday and my sister and I bought her a kitchen machine to help her when baking. I had dinner there with the kids and then I was supposed to go to the festival again to see tha old punk band Asta Kask perform at ten pm but I was too lazy to go.

Yesterday I went to visit my fuckbuddy John. Had a great time for a couple of hours while my kids were at home watching films and eating crisps and sweets. Bribes? Me? :-) Well I deserve some fun too here and there. Luckily enough I got to borrow a copy of Photoshop so I can finally have my favourite graphics program on this computer. Yay!

Today I was at the gym at eight thirty in the morning and then started work at eleven. My older son managed to get his bus card stolen after only a week in the new school. I had bought one to last him the entire term, up until X-mas. Oh well. I will have the new one stapled onto his forehead.

Spiked World Record

2009-08-15T08:07:00.004+02:00

Today I am off to be a part of a Guinness Book Of Records attempt in a place called Gärdet in Stockholm. Team Shakti are trying to get 3000 people to do a mantra meditation on spike mats and you get to keep your spike mat so I'll be doing it for the shakti spike mat alone, they are quite expensive to buy. Or is it called nail mat in this language where dinner is supper is tea...

No please!

2009-08-04T00:40:00.006+02:00

I have been single for almost a year now. I had forgotten what it was like to be alone but now as I have gotten used to it, I rather like it. I can’t see myself getting into another “relationship” again. I have no need to please anyone. I’ve never been good at pleasing. I seem to lack that certain social quality that makes people pleasant. But that’s OK. I don’t like people much so I don’t expect them to like me either.

Hopefully my kids will turn out well even though I can’t stand kids. Especially now when there is no escape. I have done my share contributing to the meaningless meaning of life - To reproduce and fill this overpopulated planet with even more vermin. Our lives purpose is against nature. I embrace the thought of a future where wildlife once again rules the earth. Mankind was a mistake.

Despite the fact that I generally dislike people, there is someone I have taken to my heart. The daughter I never had. She will be moving to another part of the country soon to go to university and I will miss her greatly. I never thought I could like someone that much just out of the blue like that, but I really do. We have such good conversations. I wish my own sons will grow up quickly so that I can have that same sort of effortless friendship with them too one day.

I buy a lot of books in charity shops these days because they cost next to nothing, yet I am able to find really good books in bulk. I bought my young friend Gulag by Alexander Solsjenitsyn. I hope she will enjoy the read. I’ve got a nice big heap of books at work just waiting to be read. And some knitting. Yes I guess I am getting old now. Finally.

Funghi

2009-07-25T00:40:00.004+02:00

Walking for miles in the deep woods payed off today. I got to bring home a nice basket full of chanterelles (Cantharellus cibarius). And even more raspberries. The mosquitoes were rather bothersome though. Why are all raspberry bushes surrounded by thistles and stinging nettles?

Retrokitchen

2009-07-23T22:02:00.004+02:00

Aren't these such cute retro fifties style kitchen items? Oh how I wish I lived in a big house, decorated as I wanted it and with the furniture I wanted... It would be a joy to do housework then. And a garden of my own. Maybe in my next life. I'm quite pleased to have the forest nearby though. I went out berry picking with the kids today and now we've got raspberries and blueberries enough for several pies to come. Tomorrow, if the weather is good, I'll go hunting for mushrooms.

I entered a photo contest today. It's The Swedish Society for Nature Conservation (SSNC) that arranged it. I uploaded my best nature photos so who knows... Wish me luck! I feel very content today. I wish I'd had motivation to clean here though. I need more storage space!!!

Geocities are closing so I've been busy today

2009-07-15T02:28:00.003+02:00

Geocities are closing down their free website service so I have spent all evening transferring my ex husband's website stuff to a new blogspot page. I'll add to it little by little. Not much is for free these days.

So far I've had a pretty good holiday. Spent two days in the lovely coastal town Nynäshamn.

Middle aged babies do exist

2009-07-01T22:47:00.004+02:00

I guess all discussion forums have them. Members who join just to stir shit. Personally I can't see the appeal any more. There was a time when I did find it slightly entertaining but nowadays it bores me. Probably because stupid people in general bore me. It never stops to amaze me how middle aged men and women lower themselves to a level suitable for toddlers and expect admiration for it. There is something seriously wrong mentally with people who think that acting like a little kid equals intellectual superiority. I don't really care anymore about what they say or their motives but the part of it that I dislike is that it wastes my time. I am tired of halfwits of the internet playing God. Well I never liked people much to start with but I find myself gradually getting more and more annoyed with people who fail to see what really matters in life and what does not. I've been dealing with one of these charming people lately on a messageboard I happen to work at and I can't bother to get upset or even irritated. Frankly I don't care what he writes or thinks. He is of no importance to me and all I can feel is pity. I feel sorry for him because he can't possibly have any friends or love in his worthless life being the cunt that he is. To be in your fifties and still be pathetic to that degree is just sad. To have missed the whole point of life. To not even realise how stupid you are. Poor wanker.

I start my vacation next week. I have only taken 3 weeks off but they will be well spent and well earned. The second half of last year was a very dark time in my life and the first half of this year was quite a nightmare. Probably the hardest time ever in my life. Now things begin to lighten up for me somewhat. I have come to terms with myself, my life and the people I surround myself with. I will make the best I can out of my life and my future. I consider myself lucky to actually have a future. I sure won't waste the rest of my life bitching with imbeciles on internet forums, that's for sure. :-)

New Lars Von Trier Film!

2009-06-26T21:56:00.002+02:00

The Danish director Lars von Trier's new film Antichrist drew howls of outrage at the recent Cannes film festival. Antichrist tells the story of a couple who, overcome by grief and guilt at the death of their child, decide to retreat to a cabin in the woods in an effort to deal with their emotions. What follows is anything but therapeutic when the female character is revealed to be a psychotic maniac, hell-bent on inflicting as much pain on herself and her husband as she can - taking a drill to her husband's leg and a pair of scissors to her own clitoris.

View some clips here and here.

Selling up

2009-06-26T21:39:00.008+02:00

My ex husbands apartment has been up for sale for about a month now and I've finally got a buyer. Papers are to be signed on Monday evening and I hope there won't be any delays. This is a lot of worrying off my shoulders. This is what the flat looks like:

Beauty hurts

2009-06-25T23:28:00.006+02:00

OUCH!!!

I waxed under my arms today and it bloody hurt. It is now nine hours since I did it and it still hurts badly. But I suppose it is worth it not having to bother to shave there for a month.

I bought six pocket books today at the local second hand/charity shop. Recently I have been reading almost one book a day so I've GOT to buy them second hand or it would cost me a fortune. I give them back to the charity shop after I've read them so they can sell them again.

I've got a few weeks holiday in July and will probably be going to a lot of museums with the kids as well as outings and perhaps a lovely boat trip out to the archipelago. I will also try to fit in a movie or two and some general lazying about.

There is a shop in town that sells leather jackets and it could very well be owned by Michael Jackson since its name is WACKO. A clue is that they have a language problem. Rea is the Swedish word for sale. Apparently the person (Billy Jean?) in charge of advertising is unable to stick to one language.

The green revolution

2009-06-15T23:17:00.005+02:00

My heart goes out to the many people who really did hope for the Green Revolution to achieve power in Iran. I still can't believe how stupid many of the western world's governments (including my country) were when they supported the revolution in Iran in 1979. Iran had been a monarchy ruled by a shah, and Iran was quite a modern and liberal country before the revolution. Would everyone who supported the revolution have done so if they had known what was to replace the monarchy? People and media must have been so incredibly naive... Muhammad Reza Pahlavi might not have been a great leader but I'd choose him over Ayatollah Khomeini any day. After 3 decades of fundamentalist leadership the people of Iran need to get some freedom. A new revolution please.

Kerouac - On the Road - Uncensored

2009-06-06T21:49:00.007+02:00

I always thought On the road was a bit over rated. Perhaps I would have liked it better in its original version. I had no idea that it had been censored until I read it recently on a website...

When it was first published on September 5, 1957, a good bit of the most explicit sexual content was sliced out and the real names of the characters were swapped for pseudonyms. The new edition represents the first time average readers will have seen the original manuscript, presented in a less conventional, more spontaneous style than the originally published version.

Published version:

Warning him first that he had once been a hustler in his youth, Dean asked him how much money he had. I was in the bathroom. The fag became extremely sullen and I think suspicious of Dean's motives, turned over no money...

Uncensored version:

Warning him first that he had once been a hustler in his youth, Neal proceeded to handle the fag like a woman, tipping him over legs in the air and all and gave him a monstrous huge banging. I was so nonplussed all I could do was sit and stare from my corner. After all that trouble, the fag turned no money over to us...

Looks like I will have to re-read this book.

Queen Bitch

2009-05-28T23:48:00.002+02:00

I was in the most pissy mood today... It started off in the morning when I went to the grocery store to get some lunch for work. The woman in the checkout said something like 62.50 and I gave her the money and proceeded to packing my things. Then she said "It was 67.50 actually" upon which I gave her another ten. I went back to finish packing and she pointed out that my change was in the bowl and my reply was "I really don't give a fuck". Why did I have to be so rude??? And I haven't even started menopause yet... Imagine what a witch I will become then!

Making a new life

2009-05-24T23:20:00.003+02:00

It will take some adjustment to raise the kids alone. I never thought my future would look like this but here I am. I think I am coping very well but it will be a lot harder than before. I am not the type who gives up though. I'll do a bloody great job - I know it. There will be a lot less time for ME now. No more child-free weekends. But I've got to make sure that I won't forget myself and my needs. I must MAKE that time for myself somehow and at the same time make a new life for myself and my kids.

I looked at a website today with lots of makeup and fashion. The reason was that it was supposed to contain photos of famous beauty icons and sex symbols au naturel. Without makeup that is. And with cellulite. And I thought I looked like a witch in the morning... Not anymore. Wow what a bit of makeup and the right clothes can do for some. Before that, I looked at Marilyn Monroe's autopsy photos. Don't ask why. I have no idea... I ended up on that page from a google picture search. Just curious.

Goodbye...

2009-05-15T01:20:00.002+02:00

We had Mike's funeral two days ago, on the Tuesday. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful funeral and I hope he liked it. It feels so incredibly empty without him in our lives.

Moved

2009-04-29T08:44:00.004+02:00

Yesterday I ordered the funeral flowers and the day before that I picked out a place for Mike's grave. I spent all of Sunday and Monday evening moving out his things to my place. Thank Goodness I have a brother who is willing to help in times of need! I now have boxes covering every inch of my home but I will get things sorted out in time. I received a phone call last night which made me happy... One of Mike's friends (Danny) will be coming over for the funeral. They went to the Broadstairs folk festival together last summer and that was the last time they met. I found a clip from that on youtube and they are both in it. I've got to show him that.

I feel so incredibly sad. I never knew how much I would miss Mike until now. I have cried so much. For the past years he had gotten so close to the kids and spent so much time doing things with them as they were getting older. He was a great dad. That is why it will be so hard for me to do all of this on my own from now and onwards. No way can I make up for that loss. The boys do need a man in their lives even if I don't need one in mine.

Catalyst

2009-04-17T08:25:00.002+02:00

Death is a a catalyst that will help us to have new understandings of the fragile nature of life, the value of friendships, impermanence of existence and the need for compassion in our daily lives.

Old dusty memories

2009-04-13T02:25:00.003+02:00

I have spent 3 days sorting through papers, photos and things in my ex-husband's apartment, trying to decide what to keep and what to throw away. There is still so much left to do and I will go back tomorrow to get some more work done there. Looking through all his bits and pieces I found our old wedding photo album. I look like an idiot. We both do. Dreadful hair on both of us! Among all the happy smiley pics, there was one that was different. Strangely enough, it is very apt right now, considering how I feel. Unfortunately we never got on well but I will miss him very much.

Handy

2009-04-11T09:38:00.002+02:00

A new x-ray image has revealed an unusual hand-shaped nebula that brings a whole new meaning to the expression "reach for the stars." NASA's Chandra X-ray Observatory recently snapped this shot of energetic particles streaming from a pulsar—the rapidly rotating core left behind after a very massive star exploded as a supernova. Known as B1509, the pulsar is thought to be about 1,700 years old and lies roughly 17,000 light-years from Earth.

The tiny pulsar is just 12 miles (19.3 kilometers) wide. But it is spinning so fast—it makes seven complete rotations every second—that the particles it spews have created a nebula spanning 150 light-years. The pulsar's rapid rotation likely helped create the nebula's odd shape. Its finger-like pillars appear to be transferring energy to a nearby gas cloud, which glows orange and red in x-rays.

R.I.P Mike.

2009-04-04T22:27:00.005+02:00

So today was the day that my ex husband Mike drew his last laboured breath. He had been ill for some time with cancer and when they removed his oesophagus in early January we thought he'd live. The x-ray scans looked fine. Then about a month back he started getting problems breathing and went back into the hospital. He had a lot of liquid in his lungs and they had to keep draining him with no success. New liquid kept filling his lungs up for no apparent reason. Still nothing showed on the scans. The doctor phoned two days ago to say that Mike's cancer had spread in a way that they couldn't cure him and that he would die.

Then, yesterday the nurse phoned me to ask if I could come there for a meeting with Mike's doctor. She told me that she thought he'd live between a couple of months up to a year. We celebrated our oldest son's Birthday at the hospital yesterday evening. Mike asked me to go and collect his CD player and some things from his apartment, so I went there this morning with the kids to get the things he had asked for. In the middle of lunch, the nurse phoned to say that he had gotten worse. He had been up in the morning to take a shower but then rapidly deteriorated towards the early afternoon. I washed up and took the kids to the hospital. He was uncontactable by the time we got there, and I noticed that his breathing was laboured and slowing down.

We sat by his side when he finally gave up. It was such a horrible day. We had expected him to live a bit longer than that. And we never got to say our goodbyes because he was unconscious. I hope he felt our presence there. I feel so sorry for the kids. Especially the older one has been extremely depressed today. Crying non stop. I understand how he feels. Right now he says that he doesn't want to live. It is so hard to go through this and try to comfort them, because there is no comfort to be had. The positive in all this is that Mike got to avoid what he feared most - a long painful undignified death. And Edwin got to celebrate his 13:th Birthday with his father.

Here is a song by Mike that I like a lot.
Over and out.

Some have and still want more

2009-03-30T08:19:00.004+02:00

It amazes me how some people go through life not realising how lucky they are. My boss complained the other day about how her husband always wanted to go and see his relatives (mainly his mother) in Serbia on their summer vacations instead on spending the entire time with her. Apart from these yearly trips to former Yugoslavia, they spend a couple of weeks in Turkey every year. They are wealthy, they both run their own businesses and their kids are grown up. They have a lovely summer place by the water. I think they have been married for over 30 years. He was her first love and he still loves her. She told me that she wanted to divorce him because he never spends enough time with her.

Has it ever struck her that there are people who never get to have a family or to be loved, that never get their own house or a summer hideaway? People who never go on holidays abroad, can't afford to go to the dentist and who can't support their families. I wonder how well she would cope if she had to swap with me?

Just because your dreams were crushed, are you afraid to dream again?

2009-03-29T23:46:00.005+02:00

Last year sometime during the autumn I had a weird dream where someone I knew had shit himself in his sleep. I often dream strange and absurd dreams but this particular one stuck in my mind so I decided to look up the meaning of it.

To see others sleeping, is often a reflection of yourself and your own unconscious mind. It is indicative of how you may not be alert or informed about a particular situation that you should be aware of. Sleeping may also be synonymous with dreaming of death, in that it beckons renewal and new beginnings. To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself or others that are dirty, shameful and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. According to Freud, feces are related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts.

Maybe we should pay more attention to our dreams. They are trying to tell us something that we should know, as our unconscious minds pick up on subtle signals that the conscious mind has either overlooked or blocked out. Recently I have been dreaming of bikes a lot. My own bike, bikes for my children and a broken kids bike with pink wheels and a pedal missing.

To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. To see a bicycle in your dream indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.

It fits. For the past couple of months I have spent very much time on duties and not so much on recreation. It hasn't been possible. Perhaps the fact that I have been unable to is the meaning of the broken pedal? It clearly tells me that I need to think of myself a bit too. I'm not sure I dare to look up what the dream I had last year about having sex with a transvestite meant... I've got to say that the human mind is fascinating.

Dreams... We all have them. What about future dreams? Daydreams? When I was a kid my future dream was to be popular because I wasn't. As a teen I dreamt about finding someone that would love me, because no one did. To have a perfect body because I didn't have one. From then and onwards I've had more ordinary future dreams. Nothing special. Happiness. To live in the countryside or a small village. That my kids turn out OK. And maybe a little garden. Peace of mind. An occasional hug.

I haven't got any personal hopes and dreams right now except ones that concern my children. I wish I did though. It is healthy to get a regular glimpse of distant goals to keep moving forward even though the present seems seven dragons dark. Or am I fooling myself here? If you have no dreams they cannot be crushed, right? Perhaps our nocturnal dreams are the true future dreams. A symbolic coded scrap of our being. Frightening and completely unknown to our conscious selves. Only our unconscious knows for sure.

Sidetracked

2009-03-29T00:02:00.004+01:00

This was the view from my balcony yesterday when I came home from work. It was snowing heavily and it was also very windy. I took the kids to visit their dad at the hospital. He's been there for many weeks now and only seem to get worse by the day. They took him in when he got water in the lungs, and they drained them. Then the lungs quickly filled up with more liquid and they fucked up when they tried to drain them a second time. Now he's been drained four times and staying in the intensive care unit. He was unconscious for two days straight and woke up again yesterday afternoon. It's all tubes and monitors again. Poor bastard. They don't seem to be able to find out what is wrong.

On the more positive side, I had a great day today. Good company and a lot of fun. It's wonderful to feel vibrant and alive once in a while, and not just weighed down with work and chores.

I just finished watching a film that I've been thinking of buying for quite some time now, but hesitated. I finally gave in to my curiosity. The English title is "Sidetracked" and it is a British made version of the Swedish crime thriller "Villospår" by Henning Mankell, out of the Kurt Wallander series. I've got the book, have seen the Swedish film and my verdict is: NOT as good as the original. It is OK though. Kenneth Branagh is a good actor but I am too used to Rolf Lassgård doing the part of Kurt Wallander I guess.

He who can analyze his own delusion is called a philosopher

2009-03-25T22:42:00.004+01:00

There are people I have forgiven. There are people I do not wish to forgive. In the past, there have been people who wouldn’t even have known what I was talking about if I had forgiven them. I am not über obsessed with other people’s shortcomings anymore though, but I generally find it difficult to forget what people have done to me. I can forgive, but I can't forget. But is that REALLY forgiveness then? Or an illusion of forgiveness to give me peace of mind?

Perhaps I should try to focus on the people I have hurt in my life. If I think about the things I have done myself, it should make it a lot easier for me to not remain upset by the hurtful experiences others have put me through. Most times when I have hurt people it has been unintentional, but on the occasions when it was intended, it was revenge for something others did to me. An eye for an eye. So I guess I’m not all that great at forgiveness. Got to work on it though. Forgiveness is, after all, a value that insures our inner peace. All that is split and scattered yearns to be healed at some point.

But I have a friend that I’ve known over the internet for about six or seven year who is TOO forgiving. Her entire family is using her as a doormat and personal psychological punch bag. If I had her family, I would have machine gunned them all by now. On one hand I admire her endless patience with people and her loving, forgiving personality, because those are traits that I don’t possess. But I wouldn’t want to swap with her. If I lived her life, I’d go insane. I think that she negates her true self by not giving it a voice. Perhaps she isn’t too forgiving, but people walk all over her forgiveness.

Being unforgivable probably hurts you a lot more than it hurts the unforgiven one. You only fool yourself into believing that you are hurting them back. You can’t run away from something you carry within you. I used to find it humiliating to forgive. As if it was admittance that what they did was right. I don’t see it that way now, although I am not particularly generous with my forgiveness. In fact, I am still shit at it. Too much pride. It might not be humiliating still, but it is certainly not effortless to forgive. Deep must the soul bow down to enter the doors of forgiveness. Mind your head.

White Bicycles

2009-03-25T00:00:00.006+01:00

I bought Joe Boyd's book "White Bicycles" today. Hoping to read it after I've read the other books I got recently. It is about the sixties music scene in England. When Muddy Waters came to London at the start of the 1960s, Joe Boyd was his tour manager; when Dylan went electric at the Newport Festival, Joe Boyd was plugging in his guitar; when the summer of love got going, Joe Boyd was running UFO, the coolest club in London; when a bunch of club regulars called Pink Floyd recorded their first single, Joe Boyd was the producer; when a young songwriter named Nick Drake wanted to give his demo tape to someone, he chose Joe Boyd.

It's been a rough day. Not for me, but for someone else. I hate to see people suffer unless they have done me some harm.

The weather is playing tricks again. During the weekend we had spring weather. No snow, sunshine and twittering little birds. Yesterday morning: SNOW. Today it has been freezing, snowy and windy. This country is hell on earth. Wait a minute... Hell is supposed to be warm...

My oldest son will be 13 in a week and a half. I don't know what to get him since he is too old for toys now. I got him some science things already but need to get a few more items. I have no idea what.

I don't feel the least bit sorry for you!

2009-03-21T00:33:00.002+01:00

Philip Chawner, 53, and his 57-year-old wife Audrey weigh 24 stone. Their daughter Emma, 19, weighs 17st, while her older sister Samantha, 21, weighs 18st. The family from Blackburn claim £22,508 a year in benefits, equivalent to the take-home pay from a £30,000 salary. The Chawners, haven't worked in 11 years, and claim their weight is a hereditary condition and the money they receive is insufficient to live on. Mr Chawner says: "It's not our fault we can't work. We deserve more."

Mrs Chawner informs us that they have cereal for breakfast, bacon butties for lunch and microwave pies with mashed potato or chips for dinner. "All that healthy food, like fruit and veg, is too expensive. We're fat because it's in our genes. Our whole family is overweight," she added.Emma, said: "I'm a student and don't have time to exercise. We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse we get in the street, but we don't know how."

Each week, Mr and Mrs Chawner, who have been married for 23 years, receive £177 in income support and incapacity benefit. Mrs Chawner is paid an extra £330-a-month disability allowance for epilepsy and asthma, both a result of being overweight. Mr Chawner gets £71 a month after developing Type 2 diabetes because of his size.

Bacon butties and microwave pies with chips? My god! No wonder you have a weight problem. No time to exercise because you're studying? Get off your lazy ass and do it either before or after school then, and walk instead of driving. It's all bullshit that fruit and veg is more expensive than microwave dinners. Why should the state pay for your complete lack of self control? You have more money per person than MY family... Stop complaining, you morons!

SPRING!!!

2009-03-17T09:28:00.001+01:00

The snow is melting away. Well, raining away actually. I do hope that there won't be any more of it. The worst thing about living in this country is the snow. I can handle the fact that shops are never close to where you live, or open when you need them, and that everything is twice the price compared to the rest of Europe. Hell, I'll even forgive the Swedish "musicians"! But I will never accept the snow. I don't want to have to dress WARM. Who looks sexy in winter gear?

Crop swap and colorature

2009-03-16T21:39:00.011+01:00

OK, so Sweden will send an opera singer (mezzo-soprano Malena Ernman) to represent us in the 2009 Eurovision song contest in Russia with the song "La Voix". Mostly, Sweden tries to do retro metal. There must be more Iron Maiden and Scorpions clones in this country than anywhere else in the world. And yes, this year's music contest had one of those bands too. HEAT. Sounds very Scorpions, even down to the bad lyrics! But they fit in some duelling guitars like Maiden as well. Have a listen. There is no hope for Sweden.

From one European disaster to another; the EU doesn't make sense. Again. Greek ecological potatoes are marketed in Sweden while Swedish potatoes are exported to the Canary Islands. The whole idea of the EU is to support an increased flow of products over the borders. Ecological or not - do they think truck transports are good for the environment? And why the hell can't the EU try and encourage countries to produce their own food supply instead of swapping with each other? Apart from that, I believe that Greece is the one European country that grows most genetically manipulated crops, with the exception of those eco-potatoes of course. I hope they will come last in the Eurovision! I will now dream of Mikis Theodorakis eating spuds... :-(

The White Stripes. Or Black...

2009-03-12T21:45:00.005+01:00

I've found this dress that I like... I think I will buy it!

I didn't work today. Instead of just laying on the sofa reading as I had planned to, I cleaned the entire apartment and took some things to the charity shop. It's an enormous place with low prices and a rather high turnover so I always find something there worth getting. At the moment I am looking for a beautiful large Buddha figure in metal.

I bought the latest MOJO magazine today. A great issue featuring The Who and an American Psychedelia special including a free CD comp. There was a page on Lux Interior as well (RIP) and some articles about the other rock guys who recently kicked the bucket.

Once again, fate has played dice. It is awful to miss someone this much. Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. At this moment I can feel how near reality dwells. Perhaps when no one looks, it shows it's ugly face. Ugly aching reality on life's battlefield. I want to look up for a minute and see the sun shining over the empty frozen mindland. Like a warm and golden eternal desire for life.

Life is to cut and to break so that something may grow.

From a distance

2009-03-11T08:01:00.003+01:00

This distant Reiki is for someone who is dear to me.

It's only one day away. My day off! I have taken Thursday off, to just stay at home and take it easy. Mmmmm..... Can't wait! But today will be about other things. The day will just fly by, because my mind will already be a day ahead.

There is an old lady that is one of my customers at work. Inga. I love her. She is so good spirited, friendly and youthful in her mind. I like talking to her because she is very intelligent and has a great sense of humour. Yesterday she had baked me a loaf of walnut bread. It is people like her that makes a difference in life. It is often the little things made out of fondness and care that makes an otherwise grey day bright and golden.

I think I want to grow old disgracefully. :-)

Friendships

2009-03-10T23:38:00.005+01:00

I went to see a friend on the Sunday over a few glasses of wine. We are not particularly close, but we had a great time. I'm not the most sociable person in the world, but I do enjoy good company and an interesting conversation. It is a nice change from the usual work and kids and tidying up. I seldom get the time to see people I like so it is always something I look forward to when it does happen.

I once read this definition of what a friend is: A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing. OK. But then what is a person who listen while you talk forever about yourself, your life and your problems?

I have known a few people so completely self absorbed that they had known me for years, yet being totally unaware of what I worked with, what my opinions were and how I felt. Especially one woman whom I had known since I was 15 and she was 25. She'd had a very troubled life and we wrote the odd letter and spoke occasionally on the phone. She never used to self obsess though, until much later. When she reached middle age she turned into someone else. The only times she'd ever call was when she needed to talk about her depressions and how bad she felt. I used to listen to her monologues for hours... She'd never ask me what I was doing or how I felt. It was all about HER. So I dropped her.

Another "friend" of mine only gets in touch when he is drunk, and he will dominate ANY conversation to a point that it is no longer a conversation. You simply don't get a word in. And when you try, he will raise his voice and talk all over you. The favourite topics of his are politics and history. And his never ending problems. His unhappy life and his crushed dreams. He honestly believes that he is the only person in the world that can feel true sadness. Your trivial life is NOTHING compared to the nightmare HE has to live through. He is also very misunderstood and unfairly treated. A genius if you ask him. Although not genial enough to see that a one sided friendship is no friendship.

I am not saying that I am a fantastic friend myself. I am quite a hermit. Don't particularly need people around me, and love to do things on my own. I like to be with friends but not all the time. I am lousy at keeping in touch so I am a shit friend in that way, but in one aspect I am a great friend; I will ALWAYS be there for you if you really need me. I guess I expect the same from those who claim to be friends of mine. That is why I find a lot of people disappointing. I seldom ask for help. The most I'd ask for is for someone to occasionally listen when I need to vent. I'd do that for MY friends. Being there for someone when they need you the most is what really matters. I believe that friendships are meant to be both give and take. I tend to let people go if I'm not getting any response from them.

Then, some people just act plain strange. You let them know you are there for them but they just completely withdraw. So you don't really want to bother them. You don't want to pester someone with attention they clearly don't want, right? So you don't dare to call them or mail them. Their loss. You just can't be everything to everyone. Life is too short to spend trying to figure people's fucked up minds out. It's enough with your own!

I am certainly not going to sit and analyse this any further. What I will do, is to curse this cunty weather we are having here. Wet snow. No end to it! I desperately need spring to arrive. I want to get rid of all these woolly winter coats and wear pretty dresses... I want to look beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!!!! Well, someone has to... :-)

Silence of the man's...

2009-03-06T22:37:00.005+01:00

Have you ever known a man was upset about something and asked him what was wrong and he simply replied with "nothing" and then did that passive-aggressive "silent thing" that men do? You know, the invisibility trick where he won't speak to you for days. You KNEW something was bothering him but instead of wanting to talk about it and share his feelings he chose to shut down, leaving you to try and "guess" what was bothering him and how to fix it. Annoying, huh? But I think I understand it now. It has taken me years to figure it out. It used to make me feel like I had failed.

But try to see it from another perspective. What if you were raised with the belief that it is not normal for you to want share your feelings with another person and that if you did, you would come across as weak, insecure and less of a man? That instead of sharing your feelings and worries like women do, you were supposed to keep them to yourself and deal with them like "a man." Scary, isn't it? I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd rather be a woman and deal with period pains, hormonal mood swings, waxing body hair and plucking eyebrows.

Men are taught from an early age that it is NOT acceptable for them to open up emotionally to someone else. Or to be emotional full stop. It's just not manly to do so. And because they think they are supposed to deal with their problems internally, they will not naturally open up to you or anyone else. Even if they are close to you. Which is silly because a lot of problems could be avoided, and relationships saved if people communicated their needs, expectations, worries and fears. But men are raised that way. They can't help it and it is normal to them. We've simply got to understand how their brains are wired.

So I guess the male silence isn't anything us ladies should take personally. We find it very irritating and it seems to us as if we are unable to ever get that intimate closeness we feel is a necessity for a good relationship or friendship with somebody. But then again, it is easier for us to talk about how we feel because we don't have any pressure on us to act like "a real man." We end up being viewed by men as neurotic bitches instead. You can't win. :-) I do know that men often wish we would shut up and be sexy, but WE were raised to cry, eat chocolate and have emotional temper tantrums. OK, that was a lie. I blame estrogen.

An exceptionally boring entry

2009-03-05T22:32:00.004+01:00

My mother had surgery today. She went to the doctor yesterday because of blurred vision and he sent her immediately to the hospital for surgery. Reason? Retinal detachment. Everyone I know is in fucking hospital.

I bought yet another Henning Mankell book today. Looking forward to reading it as soon as I possibly can.

I will be seeing a friend tomorrow which will be nice. :-)

Anything else? Don't think so. This pretty much covers it. Boring or what...

"Getting to know you manual"

2009-03-02T22:25:00.004+01:00

Why are there so many books on the topic "Get to know your inner self"? I have never read any of them but am somewhat surprised why some of us will buy a book by a total stranger, telling us who we really are. Doesn't it contradict itself a little? I went to buy a CD book for my kids before work this morning and saw one of those books in the book shop. It made me wonder about how people function. Even though we ought to be experts on ourselves, we choose to look for the answers elsewhere. Perhaps it is in our meetings with others that we get to know ourselves?

In our weakest moments, when the self is too brittle to heal itself, that is the very point when our inner strength is powerful enough for us to dare to expose ourselves to one another. That is when we confide in a friend, a lover, a psychiatrist. Perhaps, only a person who possess inner strength is able to feel truly weak and admit it to somebody else. The rest will buy one of those books...

Another review

2009-02-28T22:31:00.006+01:00

This morning I found some vintage mini bottles of perfume and decided to get two of them. They hardly cost me anything at all. So here's my review:

Dioressence from Christian Dior

Now this was a very interesting fragrance. Much different from others I have tried. It is a powdery, oriental, spicy chypre. Some of the notes are geranium, cinnamon, patchouli and rose buds. It starts off dry and green but becomes powdery quickly and turns into a soft cinnamon scent with an animalistic and earthy patchouli base. Still powdery ans soft all the way through. A very feminine fragrance. It has some resemblance to Miss Dior but it is spicier and less green and crispy. Miss Dior has an edge to it that I love, while this is softer and spicier. I like it. At least I think so.

Lou Lou from Cacharel

I never liked this fragrance. I bought it for the pretty blue hexagonal Art Deco bottle, inspired by the 1920:ies perfume bottle designs. To me, this scent is way too heavy and heady and on the verge of sickeningly sweet. The type of perfume young girls would wear to seem more grown up and old ladies would wear to appear younger. There is nothing subtle about Lou Lou. It is a spicy floral and some of the contents are apricot, marigold, vanilla, incense, musk and sandalwood - and too much of each one. Especially vanilla. YIKES! It smells cheap prostitute.

I want to give myself these...

2009-02-27T23:09:00.003+01:00

I'm not mad about flowers. With one exception. Tulips. I want my tulips bright yellow. So I will treat myself to a lovely spring bouquet of yellow tulips because it is my favourite colour and my favourite flower. "What spring?" you might say... It is still snowy here. But there WILL be a fucking spring. Some day. At least shortly before next winter. Living in Sweden sucks!

I'm trying to find a suitable b-day present for my sister. Her Birthday is not until the 19:th of March, but I don't like to do things last minute. The result is rarely satisfactory when you do.

I think I am going to have to get a new pair of glasses. I have come to the conclusion that I will need a pair of progressives or at least bi-focal. It is becoming harder and harder for me to read small print. Or even medium print. Blind as a bat.

WANTED!

2009-02-26T22:18:00.007+01:00

I want this dress. It is very simple but I love it. Pity it's from the sixties... I also want a black and white OP-patterned dress. I really like the short Mary Quant dresses. I might be too old to wear one though, ha ha!!! But life would be pretty dull without wants and wishes.

A group of young political activists called GLOBAL INTIFADA are systematically burning down supermarkets in my town. 4 of them last night of which 3 are burnt to the ground, and several unsuccessful attempts earlier this year. It is some sort of anti capitalist action and they focus mainly on shops that sell American and/or Israeli products. Probably to show solidarity with the people in Iraq and Palestine. But not an ounce of solidarity to all those that lose their jobs because their workplace got burnt down. What they also fail to realise is that these companies pay millions in tax to the state. Money that pays for these "politically aware" middle class students' social money and student grants. Because I doubt that they are working.

The targets of these attacks have been low price supermarkets like ICA Maxi and Willy's. Now we have to do our shopping in the EXPENSIVE shops - how is that for anti capitalist logic? What's the sin of consuming a coca cola can or a Jaffa orange compared to robbing a lot of people of their means to support themselves and their families? Is someone living on the West Bank worth more than a check-out girl in a Stockholm suburb? All is relative. I hope they get caught.

Kill Bill

2009-02-26T07:27:00.004+01:00

I've always known it but now it's confirmed; I'd make an excellent contract killer. Other career options recommended for me are Spy and private investigator. No surprise there. It would be so much more exciting than an ordinary job. :-)

OK, so I will be taking Levothyroxine for the rest of my life...

2009-02-24T20:56:00.009+01:00

At last there will be an end to it. The endless fatigue. The slow metabolism. Freezing all the time. My OB/GYN doctor Gunnar phoned about the blood test results late this afternoon. I will start a life long treatment with Levothyroxine ASAP. Since I have been ill with hypothyroidism and gone untreated for about 12 years, the dose will have to increase slowly to not shock my system too much.

When I was younger, I had an over active thyroid which made me very thin since my metabolism was like the one of a full blood race horse. After being pregnant for the first time at age 22 I rapidly put on ten kilos within the space of 3 months (discontinued the pregnancy) and was for the first time in my life of average weight. Six years later I gave birth to a son and that was when this weird gland began to reverse to low productivity mode. When I was expecting my second son, the midwife commented on my enlarged thyroid and told me to go and get it checked. It took me a while to get round to it. Something like two years later. I didn't get to see my regular G.P Lennart. Instead of him there was this woman that presented me with my test results. Even though my thyroid hormone level was too low, she didn't want to medicate and that was it.

Ten years have passed since. I have had the classical symptoms of hypothyroidism, such as fatigue, weakness, slow metabolism (weight increase from normal calory intake & trouble losing weight without bloody STARVING), pain in the joints, water retention, forgetfulness, depressions, irritability, cold intolerance etcetera. For several years I've felt the need to take a nap in the day (impossible at work) and the past year it has been so extreme that I have sometimes had to lay down on the hard floor behind the counter at work to rest in the middle of the day. I knew something was very very wrong.

A while back, I got a very mean and snarky comment from someone who was dear to me, about what bad and inattentive company I was because I couldn't stay awake for longer than five minutes as opposed to somebody else with considerably better social skills and stamina. Over the x-mas holidays I had heart palpitations and chest pains and for the past couple of weeks I've had trouble with blurry eyesight. So I decided to find out what was wrong with me. Again. When talking to my gynaecologist last week I mentioned my fatigue and he immediately suggested that we should check my thyroid. He was very surprised that this female doctor I had seen ten years ago had refused to put me on medication and he said that I had to get medicine immediately if my thyroid levels were too low. And they are.

So I'm really happy about this. It means that I will be back to normal soon. I won't be sleepy all the time and I will be able to eat like a normal person without gaining a lot of weight. I should start feeling better in as little as two weeks. I can't even remember what it was like to not be tired all the time. I think I will feel wonderful!!!! :-) And it will also be an enormous relief to get rid of the constant irritability and bad temper that my kids have to suffer through. I am happy for them as well. They haven't had an easy time lately. I don't care that it is a life long medication if it means that I'll actually HAVE a life that is not all about sleeping and dieting.

Happy VD...

2009-02-13T23:46:00.003+01:00

It feels like any other Saturday actually...
I think every day should be a LOVE day!

In a perfect world...

The sun is shining today. Perhaps it is a
good omen? Let there be Love.

Knowledge is relative

2009-02-11T07:56:00.001+01:00

There Are 0 Gaps in Your Knowledge

Where you have gaps in your knowledge:

No Gaps!

Where you don't have gaps in your knowledge:

Philosophy

Religion

Economics

Literature

History

Science

Art

Do You Have Gaps in Your Knowledge?

Your IQ Is 120

Your Logical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

...That last quiz underestimated me. My IQ is higher than that. But then again, it wasn't a REAL IQ test. :-)

Hamster cheeks gone...

2009-02-09T22:59:00.006+01:00

I'm breaking my own rules here. I've never really posted pics of myself in this blog but I'm so happy that my chubby face is no longer chubby, so Voilá! I've stayed at 60 kilos for over a month now without dieting, so hopefully I will maintain it if I try not to stuff myself too often. :-)

redhead dirty diary

Rewiews of Daisy and Agent Provocateur

2009-02-08T23:04:00.005+01:00

I spent an hour or so today in the department store Åhléns in Stockholm, sampling a couple of perfumes...

Marc Jacobs - Daisy

A warmish, fresh and light floral scent for girls. Not women. It is very feminine but not at all sexy. My immediate thought when I smelled it on my skin was “This is a scent for blondes”. It is lovely but not beautiful or stunning in any way. The floral notes are well blended and sheer, portraying a summer meadow of random flowers. It smells girly and wholesome. I like it but it’s not “ME”. Too clean and frigid. If Virgin Mary had a perfume it would be this one.

Agent Provocateur

I have wanted to try this perfume for a long time and today I got a chance to sample it. It has tremendous character. Very sexy without being overly sweet or heavy, but it is a striking scent that will get you noticed. It is a fragrance that you would wear to seduce someone. Or everyone. If I bought this, I should literally be wading through men… I've never been keen on florals, but I like this one, perhaps because it's not entirely flowery - it has some interesting spices and a musky base which appeals to me. I think I might get a bottle some day when I have a little bit extra to spend.

Sex Club Awards

2009-02-08T19:14:00.003+01:00

Photo: Bertil Ericson/SCANPIX SWEDEN

This is what it looked like when the members of Led Zeppelin were being awarded gold discs when visiting Sweden in 1973. To have the award ceremony at a sex club is a little odd, but to have a copulating couple in front of everyone is a bit much for most people... The good old days, eh?

An Andalusian Dog

2009-02-07T22:56:00.003+01:00

Un Chien Andalou (An Andalusian Dog) is a 16-minute surrealist film made in 1929 by artist Salvador Dalí and filmmaker Luis Buñuel. It is one of the best-known surrealist films of the avant-garde movement of the 1920s.

An Andalusian Dog

There's nothing like calling someone a cunt...

2009-02-07T19:03:00.003+01:00

I have begun to send insults to all those Nigerian scam people that are filling up my spam folder instead of just deleting them. It's fun! Here is an example (I didn't copy his entire email) :

2009/2/7 DR. PAUL RICHARD

Good day,
Urgent Business Proposal.

I am the Director of Bill and Exchange at the foreign remittance Department of Africa Development bank (ADB). I am writing to seek your cooperation over this business deal.

bla...bla...

My reply:

Urgent Business Proposal? Well this is an urgent FUCK OFF! If you work in a bank, you are NOT titled "DR". Neither would you be using a free email provider instead of your work email at ADB.

CUNT!

A day in the life

2009-02-07T17:43:00.004+01:00

Ahhhhhh!!!!!! Alone at last. This is the first time since August that the kids have been over at their dad's. It's been half a year of CANCER. He got home from the hospital this morning and still feels very weak physically, but wanted the kids to stay over regardless. So I did his weekly shopping and then left them there to be picked up tomorrow afternoon. All I have to do is some general tidying up here and do the floors and then I can be lazy. I bought myself some wine and I will watch a good film tonight all by myself. Heaven!

It's a week left until Valentine's Day. I spent the time on the train today thinking of Valentine's Day anagrams. I came up with many but I favoured these few:

Anal Sited Envy
Satan Deny Evil
Vandal Nite Yes
Nailed Any Vets
Nasty Vile Dane
Deny Net Saliva
A Slay Invented

Way back when I was married, my then Husband bought the same box of heart shaped chocolates every year on Valentine's Day. Chocolates with hazelnut nougat. I kept telling him that I was allergic to hazelnuts but he'd still buy those chocolates every damn Valentine's. Men... They do try :-) That's nice enough.

Too horny

2009-02-05T14:30:00.006+01:00

I took today off to do a lot of errands. I started very early so I could have the afternoon to myself. And boy did I need that... Since I got on the train in the morning, I've been thinking of sex. Dirty dirty sex. If only those random guys knew what I was thinking when I looked at them. After a few hours of this it was REALLY starting to bother me. I was horny to the point of no return. If someone reasonably good looking would have suggested that we'd have a quickie somewhere I would have been very tempted. But I'm a good girl. I don't do that ;-) However, I do need a good fuck. From behind, over a kitchen table. Now, where's Robert Plant's phone number again...
cunt fuck dirty slut redhead cuckold whore cumslut

Superglue

2009-02-05T08:51:00.006+01:00

I spotted Wizard of Oz yesterday in the music/dvd shop in town. The old one with Judy Garland. Strangely enough it was labelled "Not suitable for children". WTF??? It's a KID'S MOVIE for christs sake! I watched it as a kid. There is a line in it that I like: "Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable". I know they will never improve in quality to that degree but why isn't the heart superglue invented yet? I'd be up for trying it out in their initial test study. The funny thing about breakups is that they point out what we didn't even know we had, but they don't give us the option of going back into battle armed with that knowledge. And what's irritating about a broken relationship is that it is what it is. It's not what it should have been, neither what it could have been. It is amazing to say the least how one can love so deeply and intend and believe that it will last forever and then still fuck it up. I think I would have needed some sort of education on how to do it right. I should have done that instead on wasting time and effort on learning about solar panels and environmentally friendly building materials. I wonder if the heart super glue would be environmentally friendly? It couldn't be 100% ecological though, because it would have to contain a hell of a lot of preservatives.

My butt hurts!

2009-02-03T22:45:00.003+01:00

My butt hurts slightly. I was at the gym this morning and cycled for over 20 minutes in a quite fast pace. I did other things too but that is all that I feel the "aftermath" of. The best thing with my gym is the sauna. I started working out at 08:45 and finished a little less than an hour later. Then I showered and sat in the sauna for a good while. Then showered again and off to work. Felt great! I will do the same tomorrow morning.

The lives of others

2009-02-02T20:45:00.005+01:00

I found a film in the food supermarket bargain bin today that I have been wanting for a year or so but never found anywhere. The title is "Das leben der anderen" or in English, "The lives of others". The film that brought writer-director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck an Oscar for the best foreign language film of 2006. The film opens with an interrogation in East Berlin in 1984 at the temporary detention centre of the German Democratic Republic's Ministerium für Staatssicherheit (the Ministry for State Security), better known as the Stasi. Forty years earlier, the Stasi's job was being done by the Gestapo, which was active for a mere dozen years and employed around 45,000 agents with some 160,000 registered informants. The Stasi lasted 40 years in only half of the country, employed 100,000 full-time workers and had, so this movie tells us, 400,000 informants.

A spy - Captain Wiesler - is given the task of eavesdropping on a well known playwright, not for political reasons, but because a communist boss is jealous of the man and wants his female lover for himself. As the spy begins listening in, he begins to question the values of his society and the integrity of his orders.. Up to that point, Wiesler dutifully obeyed without question. But as the spy continues to experience the world of the playwright, he starts to live the subject's life vicariously...so the enemy ironically becomes the friend. The experience helps Captain Wiesler grow in humanity so he ultimately makes the decision to run interference to save the playwright's life.

Got to find the time to watch this gem real soon!

A promise...

2009-02-02T01:06:00.005+01:00

I want to make a good new start of this year so because of that,
I will make a promise to myself:

I will surround myself with people who make me feel like I am the best I can be. Not waste my time with those who can’t see the best in me. I will love those who make me love who I am when I am around them, not those who make me feel bad about myself. If someone makes me feel bad about myself, I will find others that don’t.

And I will never fall in love.

In the mood for some fun

2009-01-31T09:26:00.004+01:00

Oh no! What is a woman to do when her closet is full of fashionable fabrics and gorgeous garments but nothing seems convincing? The answer is simple - shop some more! And I just did. Yesterday after work I found a beautiful blouse on sale. Very vintage looking!

I'll be going out today for some drinks and some fun :-) because when it is this cold and snowy outside, I DESERVE fun. No question about it. Besides that, a girl gets a bit lonely sometimes...

Follow your heart

2009-01-31T02:12:00.002+01:00

What exactly is "following your heart"? Is it simply to give in to any desire? Any passing fancy? Or is it something huge - something that seems like the only way to truly experience happiness? A chance you take to surrender what you are for what you could become? To give something up in order to make a dream come true?

And then what? A stillness expanded, soft as sunny winter forests? I don’t think there are such simple and even roads. A glimpse of distant goals that you will never reach even though you sacrificed all you ever had? Who nothing has can surely dare the most. Follow your heart. Take a lottery ticket. It’s all or nothing.

Another low water mark reached

2009-01-30T08:40:00.005+01:00

Even girls barely entering puberty aren't free to not be sexy. This is a hair removal product aimed directly at young girls: Nair Pretty Sickening! In 1920, a thirteen year old girl was still a child. What is a 13 year old today? In the Islamic world a girl is a woman at age nine and can be married off. Muhammed recommended that girls get married before puberty, probably because he was an old paedophile himself. I am glad I have no daughters that have to grow up in this sick world where little girls have to be validated by men.

Hell - even I object to being validated by men. If I want to look nice, I will look nice because it makes ME feel good. Men can very well fuck off with their opinions for all I care. There they are - fat, bald and ugly guys who burp and fart. Even so, they are able to present a long list of what they think a woman should look, and be like. Wankers! :-)

I'll be thinking of creating a new product line; "Pretty Boy Gearbox" diesel scented wax strips for intimate areas. What about "Skid Marks" butt crack hair removal strips or "Highway 69" belly and bikini wax strips?

Wasting my time

2009-01-29T08:26:00.005+01:00

I always thought more than I spoke. No one likes taciturnity so I developed another me that I could easily switch on when needed. An extrovert, talkative and more daring me. Only those close to me know how incredibly anti-social I actually am. My work forces me to be a social butterfly at office hours - To talk to people I have no interest in. I see it as an exercise. I used to daydream a lot too. I spent most of my time as a child daydreaming and I miss that. I wish I still could. Dreaming at night isn't as pleasurable since it is beyond my control. My dreams at night are often strange. Not frightening, but strange. I often end up trying to decipher them to no avail. Perhaps I should get a book on Freud? Finding out all the "whys" in life has always had a great appeal to me. Yes I think too much. I have simple needs. I like simple things. Small, small things, despised at the time that radiate living but gentle footholds during the dead hours. The time other people label useless.

Eyecandy

2009-01-25T23:30:00.004+01:00

I bought two books in the local second hand shop the other day; "The White Lioness" and "Before the Frost" - both from the Kurt Wallander series by Henning Mankell. Seems like his books and films are really popular in England for some reason. They must find the Swedish gloom exotic. At least for a while. My favourite "Kurt" out of the different actors is Rolf Lassgård. Perfect for the part.

One very good (if not the best) Swedish writer combo in this genre is Maj Sjöwall and Per Wahlöö. All the films made from the books are great but my favourite is The Abominable Man. The film was called (The man on the roof)Brilliant!

Love at first sight!

2009-01-23T09:09:00.006+01:00

This is the prettiest shoe I have ever seen! I'd love to have shoes like that and a dress with the same pattern. I love dots. I have had about ten people so far telling me that I look like Dita Van Teese. Must be the dark hair and the red lips. The pathetic excuse for a suntan I got last summer is of course all gone so I have the usual snow white complexion again, which adds to the image.

Friday at last! I have been looking forward to this all week. Amazing isn't it, how much it means to relax with some nice company after a weeks worth of work. :-)

Odd Girl Out

2009-01-22T23:05:00.010+01:00

I was bullied at school by kids whose names I often tried to erase from my memory with little success. The software was willing, the hard drive less so. Now most of them have faded which is nice. The damage, I have to say, was profound and lasting and made many of my school days miserable, haunting me for several years of my adult life but I rarely think of it these days. Sometimes I do get a flashback when I come across an adult who behave just like those kids did. You can only abuse someone for so long until they retaliate in some way and it took many years until I stopped fantasizing about killing them one by one. I have no desire to get back at them nowadays but I made a promise to myself to NEVER EVER put up with that sort of treatment again, no matter from whom. And I don’t. Why should I waste time and energy on people who don't respect me?

I joined a site called “Stay Friends” a little over a year ago. It’s a place where you register your old schools and what year you graduated so that old school friends can find each other again. I made some new old contacts and several people got in touch and told me how they had secretly admired me for daring to be different and complimented me on my looks. I spotted several old bullies there as well. I started thinking of how the few of them who didn’t end up working in McDonald's might have continued on to university, graduating with honours in advanced torture techniques and completing postgraduate studies with the Vietcong or Stasi. I guess one dreams more as one ages. Recently, I was browsing that site and there, in between the profiles and photos of old classmates and former nasty cunts, came an item that froze me to the spot. It was the picture of a girl who used to torment me at school. The reason I froze was that she had added me as a contact in her list of friends. Yes – FRIENDS.

I suppose I could forgive her and her brother for belittling me, cutting me down to size, breaking my young ego’s every bone and battering my capital I, because none of them were an adult at the time and a lot of years have passed. Sometimes people change. Amazingly enough, some people never grow up. You would think that it is very child like to bully others but there is plenty of adult bullying in workplaces, clubs, internet communities and other social arenas. I think it's some ugly thing in our genes as humans, that necessity to dominate others. I would guess that it has something to do with Darwinism. That and perhaps a Machiavellian personality type with either narcissistic tendencies or low self esteem. Pathetic people no matter what. It is easy to pick them apart and see what’s behind the act. But when you find that the sum of parts is less than the whole you can’t do anything but feel sorry for them. Or call psychiatric help line on their behalf. After slapping them hard in the face.

They are the ones with the problem, not you. Leave them to rot and move on to better things. Adult bullies are people who are intimidated by others who are more successful than they are or where there is a high level of competition – intellectual, creative, or popularity wise. They will target people with talents or people they envy for some reason. They do not realize that if they put more effort into themselves and less into destroying others, they could actually do something better with their lives and become what they envied. And God help you if you side with the victim. Then they will make life difficult for you too because you didn’t conform to their way of thinking. It’s a power trip for someone who feels powerless deep down. It takes a while to figure them out, but it is all about immaturity, insecurity, attention seeking and envy.

There are people who spend a lifetime perfecting this “art form”. Manipulating words and people’s minds with the skill of a master magician and simultaneously praise and belittle, making you feel at once pleased and dismayed, complimented and distraught. To them, friendship is (apart from getting an ego boost) nothing but a useful weapon in their arsenal of curious tricks, something to load with malice and fire with calculated subtlety and unerring maliciousness. Since they lack both empathy and loyalty, a friendship or relationship is only worth something to them for as long as people keep praising them and doing everything THEIR way. If they want what YOU have or they feel inferior or threatened by your brains, your looks or your unwillingness to agree with them, they will resort to the only method they know to get control of their lives – and yours.

Life is full of turncoats and cowards. Anyone can stand by you when you are right, but a real friend stands by you when you're wrong. Just make sure you do the same in return.

Ear Candy & Self Realisation

2009-01-21T08:43:00.005+01:00

I don't want to go to work! I want to stay here with my computer, watching Youtube music all morning. I found some great stuff on there. Have a listen to these:
Pure Reason Revolution - Intention Craft (LIVE)
Flower Kings - Hudson river sirens call

This has been a very good month so far. Last year ended pretty shitty, but even so, I haven't felt down and depressed for several months now. I think I have learned something vital about myself and how I function. If I allow myself to get really angry and hateful for a while if someone or something upsets me, I won't feel sad and depressed. I guess depression comes from NOT allowing yourself to feel hate, anger, revenge and wishing people evil. So much for all that hippie crap. I think that deep down it is natural for me to want to destroy my enemies. Repressing my natural instincts can't possibly be good for me in the long run and that is probably why I have been depressed on and off in the past. Revenge and hate are powerful emotions and they make me absolutely blossom! And afterwards, when the explosion settles, I feel all calm, strong and content. Primitive? Perhaps... But it works for me. :-) And I don't really give a fuck what YOU think about it anyway.